Maybe you're just curious about my life, maybe you are going through your own version of infertility, or maybe you will and you don't know it yet. That’s where my story begins.

Because I never thought this was going to be my path + my life.

So how to.... share my life, my most personal, vulnerable, and one of my most sacred desires out into the world. Trust me, not something I thought I'd ever do.

But through this life and roller coaster fertility journey, I've learned that none of this is actually about me. It's actually about a bigger purpose that I'm tied to.

Because God designed us to have CONNECTION, RELATIONSHIP, and use our path, experiences, struggles, + triumphs to lift someone else up and point them to God's goodness.

With that said, it's not easy to share this piece about me and my life. I wrestle with sharing because I'm scared to put into words what's happening and that people will know my life. Makes you feel exposed, ya know?

But then I think… THIS IS LIFE!! Sharing, showing up real, authentic, and genuine. Sharing the good, the bad, the ugly, the happy, the hopeful - RIGHT WHERE I AM.

Because when we hide behind our struggles and emotions, all we do is invite isolation in.

And that’s when I feel alone in this journey. Sometimes I'm sure no one understands and knows what it's like. But I'm so wrong.

Since opening up about our #babyboan quest, I've received an overwhelming surge of support, prayers from strangers, friends, + family and just so much love. It's so beautiful and reminds me that this is all SO. MUCH. BIGGER. than me.

And that's what all this is about. Sharing my voice, so there are less lonely people out there feeling like no one understands, like no one gets them, and that they are all alone. We need more community, connection, support, and kindness in this world!

That's why I'm sharing my heart.

So with all these mixed emotions, here it goes...

(If you're not up to speed, make sure you read part I of our journey HERE!)

Where my heart stands...

After our failed IVF attempt April 2018, we took about a year break. Time to breathe, relax, reflect, and just enjoy life. We started looking into adoption - something God really put on our hearts since learning about Clay’s azoospermia.

This spring, our hearts were ready, so we decided to try things again. I’ve been in touch with an adoption agency, but they are not accepting new applicants at this time. So on hold there.

We have grieved and moved on from having our own biological child. We tried IVF with Clay's sperm and it was a flop.

Now we are trying IUI with donor sperm.

Speaking of donor sperm…

Q : How do you pick out donor sperm?

Have you ever thought about sifting through guys on a donor site and picking your future biological baby daddy?! Ummm it's interesting to say the least.

I obvi want my kid to look + be just like Clay. I've always wanted kids and when I dated and married Clay, I looked forward to having a mini-mixture of Clay and Jess running around. There's so much good I see in Clay that I want in my own child.

And here I am picking a complete stranger's sperm! That's a leap if ya ask me!

So you type in your "filters" to search for this donor. Height, weight, eye color, genetic testing, and then hit that "search" button. There’s the list of donors with their childhood photos staring back at you. I don't think I'd ever want someone to pick me based off my awkward childhood photos lol. This image popped in my mind of me running to my gym teacher in 6th grade, sobbing after I received my school photos, explaining to her that "I look like a boy!" There are some weird looking kids! I was one of them! Just sayin!

I'm scrolling and I keep finding an excuse not to pick them because, well, they aren't Clay.

So we look for the most normal looking, sounding, close to Clay wanna-be I can find. If you know Clay, he truly is one of a kind, in the best way!

If you've ever done a dating site, it's just like that. Only try finding someone you want to make a baby with just by meeting them by their profile. Not even a date! Yikes! Lord, help me!

So it’s safe to say we didn’t pick a 6’2” guy who weighs 200 lbs lol. Hopefully we can teach our babe Clay’s humor and cat-like reflexes!

Before I dive into our IUI, I want to point out that we made the decision to go with a different doctor. I work in the surgery field and I happened to switch to a new facility over a year ago, and am so glad to have found a doctor I trust and know personally by working with them. Girl, if you're in this infertility boat, find a doctor that cares, that doesn't treat you like a number, and is good at what they do. Reviews matter! If you look at reviews for your purchase on amazon, please do so for your fertility doctor!

Anywho...

I walk into this situation realistic, knowing that I could potentially get pregnant so soon, but also that I could be disappointed if it doesn’t work.

So I have been preparing my body for this moment for almost a year. Because you can’t just expect to become healthy the week before you get pregnant. I have been intentionally preparing my body, taking care of it, and making this a priority. I want my body to be the best little dwelling place for this babe as possible.

Enjoying the island of Caye Caulker, Belize

Q: How did I prepare my body leading up to IUI?

Vitality Pack - This is a vitamin from doTERRA that is undeniably good. I just realized when writing this that I have not been sick since taking this AND I did not have any allergy issues this year. No itchy eyes, no cold when the weather changes, none of it. Hallelujah!! That’s a big deal! This vitamin is so much more and it’s actually doTERRA’s #1 best seller. Check it out HERE!!

Oils - I used to think essential oils were just smelly good things. But girl, I was so wrong. These things are precious to my daily routine, cleaning, my mood, sleep, high vibes, and my health from a cellular level. THESE ARE THE JEWELS OF THE FUTURE!!! Did you know, they are now incorporating essential oils (specifically doTERRA essentials oils because they are not made equal) into hospital care!! Say WHA?! Yeah, super cool stuff.

These oils support my healthy weight, my restful sleep, my creativity + focus, my immunity, and a toxic-free lifestyle. From shampoo, soap, detergent, + cleaners to toothpaste, they have it. They have transformed my home into a safer, less toxic, and peaceful place. For me, Clay, and hopefully our babe one day!

Stress - I am 100% sure that the reason I have been able to reduce my belly fat is because I have reduced my stress and added HIIT workouts consistently. You’ve heard of the hormone cortisol, right? Well, here’s the thing…its the hormone produced when we are under stress or in the fight or flight mode. And if you are always in that stress mode, your body continues to produce cortisol. This hormone is specifically linked to holding on to belly fat! Girl, cut the stress! Put boundaries in place to protect you and your energy.

Movement - I’ve shared before my excitement about joining OrangeTheory and how much I love it! It reminds me of my basketball days and pushing yourself to the limit.

But the point here is to find something you actually enjoy, because then you’re more likely to keep doing it consistently! So find something that brings you zen, energy, clarity, stress relief, endorphins, and enjoyment!

Eating - Gals, I am just now figuring out just how powerful what you eat can be. And I’m not talking about how many carbs or grams of protein I’m eating. I’m just talking about eating the highest quality of food and nutrients I can. Our body needs macros (fats, protein, + carbs) and micronutrients (vitamins, minerals, supplements). I truly live in the mentality of eating food that will nourish me, give me energy, and that taste and feel good eating. At the same time, I do not restrict myself. If I want cake, cookies, pancakes, I eat them. This mentality allows me to WANT to eat the healthy and nourishing foods the rest of the time.

Focus - I realize being healthy day after day takes discipline, motivation, but mostly it just takes your “Why” and committing to your goal no matter what. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had days or weeks when I got off track. It just means I hop back in.

Getting disappointed in yourself or feeling guilty only leads you further away from your goals. You know the saying, “Fall 7 times, get back up 8.” That’s the mentality girl. But I had a strong drive that wasn’t temporary because I was clear on my “Why” and it ran deep. Find your why. It’s never really about the weight or the way you look…it’s about WHY your want to lose the weight and look that way. What will getting that give you? And why is that important?

Flexible, yet Structured Routines - Find your groove and stick with it. I put practical routines in place that helped me stay sane and healthy. I go to bed between 9-10 each night because sleep is so important to my health, rebuilding muscle, my energy, + my mood. Not the end of the world if I’m not in bed right by 9 because it’s flexible. Don’t be so rigid that you’re not giving yourself room for error or life.

I’ve also been very protective of my time + who I'm surrounding myself with. There are people in your life that either suck the energy out of you or give you more energy.

Another thing is being able to say “no.” I’ve never struggled with this personally, but I know a lot of people do. I have no problem turning down any event in order to put my priorities first. My sleep, energy, emotions...I've never had a problem saying no to something that will negatively effect that. Never feel guilty for taking care of you and doing what needs to be done.

Here we go!

Ok, so it's April 2019 and our IUI is coming up. We have our #5431 donor ready to go. I start my meds and show is on the road. Things were looking good. I had 2 mature follicles and 1 one on the border. So I signed a consent saying you understand you could have multiple babies. Didn’t think of this, but honestly, we'll take 3 or 2 or 1!. AHH!!

So I come back for another ultrasound and they say I’m ready to trigger. They give me the trigger shot and they scheduled me to come back the next day for the insemination.I’m so grateful Clay came with me to the insemination to help ease my nervousness! He’s good at distracting me as he’s opening the drawers, acting like a doctor, asking a million questions, while I'm thinking to myself, "oh my gosh, this is what it's like to have a toddler." lol I like to say he kept me entertained and kept my mind off things. Doing exactly what he's supposed to.

The nurse comes in and gives you the numbers of the sperm after they wash the specimen. They tell you the number of sperm and the motility percentage. Then they do their thing and turkey baste you!

After the IUI! Hoping and praying we are pregnant!

Now the waiting game. You have to wait 2 weeks to take an at home pregnancy test.

This was the not so fun part as I wrestled with ups + downs, high + hopeful emotions, and low what-if thoughts. I tried to just rest in the fact that God was in control. If it was going to happen, He would make it happen. I was still able to exercise, but had a restriction with my heart rate. This was helpful keeping me sane.

My everyday prayers were the most healing and helpful things I did for us and me. Just trying to take it slow and steady.

I thought of the day I would take the pregnancy test over and over. I had heard you can take pregnancy tests prior to the 2 week mark and see a faint line. So the day before I was supposed to, I took it. And I did this without Clay knowing because if it was positive, I wanted to surprise him in some way.

But there was no faint line. It was negative. And I knew that taking it the next day would make no difference in the result. I instantly had feelings of guilt because now I have to tell Clay it was negative. I should have just waited and done it together because we're a team and we've been on this journey together from the beginning and that's just what you do as teammates. But I was so certain it was going to be positive, I didn't think about what I'd do if it was negative.

So that night I told him I took one early and he just said, no babe, you're going to be pregnant when you take the test tomorrow! Poor man, he didn't understand. He was so hopeful and positive, I didn’t want to shatter that. So I took one the next morning with him, and sure enough, NEGATIVE.

What a freakin bummer. I got my hopes up so high, trying to just go all in and trusting God and putting my faith in it. But I knew the reality that this could be the outcome. Thoughts of am I ever going to be a mom surfaced. A lot of doubt. Pain. Why is this so hard? Are my eggs no good? Is it me too? How many times are we going to do this?

What no one tells you...

Being vulnerable isn't so bad. You don't have to do it alone! I've found so much hope, support, and encouragement by sharing my story and being vulnerable. It's truly amazing and you don't have to feel alone. This applies to anything you're going through, girl.
Tend to your emotional/mental health. As a nurse I understand there is a serious disconnect with doctors telling you what to do to support your physical body and not addressing the rest of you, but this journey is NOT just about the physical body. It's mind, body, soul. You don't just have a body. You have a soul, a powerful mind, and emotions! And you've got to take care of ALL of it in this process (and for life)! Find the best support you can. Friends, family - please don't even try to do this on your own.
Choosing a donor. If you want to know more about the picking a baby daddy sperm process, I'm totes open to talking to you about it! It can be a weird process, I know! So I'm an open book!
People want to know your business. I fought to keep this to myself at first. And it's not that we chose the easier path, but we took the path that made sense to us. We actually had an amazing mentor tell us that this is your story, you shouldn't hide it. God put us here in the exact situation for a purpose, and if we don't share that, we're missing out on OUR purpose.

God's not just PUTTING us through this, He's PURSUING us through this.

I've had numerous people tell me I'm brave for sharing. And I've never thought of it that way. I've just thought I'm showing up, right here, right now, as God made me, in this messy situation I'm in, and doing the best I can - trying to bring light, encouragement, and hope to others. That's what God would want me to do.

Q: What now?

So what do you do after a failed IVF and now a failed IUI? Well you can either sulk (but that won't help me get pregnant) or we can pick up the pieces + keep trying. So we decided to jump right into another IUI round.

Here we go! We're practically pros now, right? Not so much, but it is nice having the experience under us, somewhat knowing what to expect. We picked a new donor this time because we didn't like the numbers of the last one and the obvious - it didn't work.

Q: My comfort?

Knowing that God has a plan. A bigger plan. A better plan than anything we could come up with. And just truly knowing that and believing that really helps me through. Because God’s got our back. He has our best interest. I think that’s just so hard for us to comprehend sometimes because of this corrupt world and people constantly letting us down. But God never changes. He’s faithful through it all. And mostly - HE IS GOOD!