Hope Inside Brokenness

I have experienced God’s presence in different ways, big + small but I have one that really stands out above the rest. Like a HOLY MOLY, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED!

I also work in healthcare as a surgery nurse and I am used to the setting, but maybe you are not. I’ll start by saying that often before people go to sleep for surgery, they can say some silly things, but also some very truthful things. Mostly the last thing on their mind.

To give you a little back story, my husband, Clay, and I, got married in September 2016 and found out in August 2017 we were facing azoospermia, a form of male infertility. Excuse me, huh? Yeah, I think I was in a fog for a couple weeks.

I was completely heart broken. There’s a good chance we will never have our own biological child. I had dreamed of this! I married Clay so I could have mini Clay’s running around! This wasn’t the plan!

Ahh, but God’s plan…

After many appointments, tests, and searching for options. We decided to move forward with IVF in April of 2018.

This involved Clay to have surgery, with a 50% chance of finding any of his sperm.

So back to the story….here we are in the midst of our crazy, emotional roller-coaster IVF journey.

On the morning of my egg retrieval procedure, which was the same day Clay had his surgery (at a different location so we couldn’t be together), was the day my encounter with the Lord's presence occurred.

After my procedure was done, my CRNA informed me that before I slipped off to sleep I said, “Jesus is with me.”

And I 110% know that right then and there in the procedure room, I had fully experienced the presence of God. How freaking cool! But little did I know how it would unfold or why that happened. 

And here’s the thing, that day went picture perfect. Right before I went back for my procedure, my doctor informed me they had already found plenty of sperm from Clay. That was a relief in itself. We had donor sperm on site just in case they didn’t find any. 

So when the CRNA told me I said those words, “Jesus is with me,” I started crying with joy + a peace. Everything that day went amazing! Like textbook good. Couldn't have gone any better for the start of our IVF cycle. 

That was in April of 2018 and am just realizing now what God was doing in my life then. Now I know with certainty why God chose for me to experience his presence that day, at that time. 

It’s because he had a different plan for me. Imagine that, it was different than mine, right? He knew that our IVF cycle would fail and that I needed His presence more than anything to help me heal. 

He knew that after the best chance we had at having our own child and the heartbreak that came with our failed IVF attempt we would need comfort. I was blessed to have experienced His presence + comfort during such a hard time. And I am forever grateful for that. 

God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. As long as you have Him. 

Experiencing this kind of presence of the Lord is unlike anything on this earth. Experiencing His presence is the closest thing to heaven we can experience. And that’s because it’s truly the Holy Spirit living on earth. And that my friend gives me all the hope, all the joy, and all the peace for our fertility journey.  God knew exactly what I needed. It wasn’t in his plan for the IVF cycle to work and that is why I experienced his presence in that moment. He knows exactly what I need.

He wants to walk along side you. He wants to know you.

So maybe things didn't work out like you planned or maybe you struggle to understand your current situation. But rest in knowing that God knows each step of the way + He has a plan that is better than anything you could dream of. And when you trust that completely, the life of your dreams will unfold.

Stay tuned for where God is taking us next!!